December 10, 2004

The Evolution of Me

Barring the paper I have to edit, I'm completely done with my penultimate semester of college.

I'm very excited about this, in one regard. Partially because it means that our theories presentation went REALLY well last night, and my music history final went really well yesterday afternoon. This also means that I'm virtually stress-free at the moment (which is sure to not last) and can focus my attention on my wife, who has whole-heartedly missed me for the last two weeks.

On the other hand, I'm starting to realize that I'm really almost done, and it has a sort of hollow feel to it - like I'm going to miss it. It started last night when I realized that I was done with theories, which was a moment for rejoicing, at first, but then I came to realize - it was probably my favorite class of college. I've never had to think so hard in my entire life, a feat I found most enjoyable, if somewhat draining. And while I'm glad it's over so I can have a break, I wouldn't mind having to think that hard again. Granted, this doesn't prevent me from doing the work on my own and thinking just as hard, if not beyond my current mental state (which wouldn't be that difficult, as my brain is mush right now), but ... there isn't the same sense of urgency in the real world. This doesn't mean that the urgency isn't there, but mostly means that people ignore it. "Oh, we'll be fine, what's the harm in taking a nap?" I've noticed this mentality a lot in our generation.

But the thing that hit me last night which bothered me the most came from the discussion we had on evolution. Evolution more or less IS change, or the process by which change happens. How does an organism adapt to a new environment?

It occurred to me last night that I'm about to have to evolve. When college finishes, my environment is going to radically change and I'm going to have to either adapt to those changes or face ... ah, well, maybe not "extinction," but at least, a big slap in my proverbial face. I'll be entirely "on my own". Yes, I know, I'll have my wife, but there won't be any parents or grandparents to tell me what to do, and nobody to save my butt if I screw up. I'll be responsible. What a word that is. I'll be in charge of my own life, I'll have to make decisions that will alter my world dramatically depending on what I choose. Not only that - every choice I make will not only affect me, it will also affect my wife.

How friggin' hard is that?

I have to make decisions that, if I choose wrong, could mean bad things happen to my wife. Who really wants that kind of awesome responsibility? It's almost incapacitating! I know lots of people have done it before, but ... how many of us really realize what we've gotten ourselves into until we're either way deep in over our heads or are on the other side? I'm not saying I'm totally getting it, which, of course, frightens me all the more - what DON'T I know??

I'm so glad that God is gracious - He'll excuse me for making mistakes, because He knows I WILL make them. He also knows that I'll learn from them, probably why it's ok. It's like an adventure where you can jump out of the window and know you'll be ok, maybe a bruise or two, maybe even a broken leg, but they'll all heal in time and you'll be that much stronger.

And so I submit myself to a trial-by-fire. And I can't wait!

No comments: