Indefinite

This day’s been crazy, but everything’s happened on schedule
From the rain and the cold to the drink that I spilled on my shirt
Cause You knew how You’d save me before I fell dead in the garden
You knew this day long before You made me out of dirt, and
You know the plans that You have for me
And you can’t plan the ends and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep …

[Derek Webb]

It's been a really long day. Really long. We were up late last night (till 3am or something crazy) packing, getting things together, and boxing things up so that today we could move near all of our worldly posessions to my grandparents' basement for storage while we were in Australia. So we did - we spent a good four or five hours today moving furnature, boxes, more boxes, and finally, more boxes. Sarah and Dan were a huge help, each moving more than Liz and I combined.

So I left for home quite tired. On our way, what should happen than we get pulled over. I wasn't speeding, but somehow the guy figured out that I haven't had my car inspected yet (on my to-do list, but I've had a lot on my mind lately). So after that, I'm pretty upset. I get home to call the Australian embassy, and nobody picked up the phone. For an hour. I still haven't talked with them.

And so I had to cancel our plane tickets. Because of the funky nature of frequent flyer miles, I don't get charged any kind of fee, but I'm also at the mercy of US Air for availability of seats.

There aren't any until May.

I can't even begin to tell you how frustrated I am right now. I want to be sleeping tonight knowing I'll be leaving tomorrow, and instead I'm stuck in a strange bed wondering if I'll ever get to go at all. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to act, but I know I want to scream at the top of my lungs and run until my sides give out (which for me is about half a mile, but you get the drift).

The worst part is that when anybody sees me or Liz, the only thing they associate with us is "they're leaving for Australia" and so, naturally, that's all they talk about, and at this point, I just want some kind of life back, where people care about more than just if I'm going somewhere else or not. Inevitably, when they find we're not leaving, or we don't have our visas, or whatever, they insist on the "well, God's timing is best" line that's so engrained in Christians these days.

Thank you. I know.

I know God's timing is perfect. Really, I do. But it's quite another thing to feel like I knew what God was telling me to do and then find out that I hadn't quite heard Him right. I screwed up. And every time someone says that, it's a painful reminder.

And yet, I know that it's what I have to remember, that it's not about me and what I want, but it's about something bigger. God loves me, and He loves everyone else too - and maybe keeping me here is about someone else and I should just deal because it's not about me.

But it doesn't make it any easier.

My faith is like shifting sand, changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand, so I stand on Grace

[Caedmon's Call]

Blessed be Your name with the sun shining down on me
When the world’s all as it should be; blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering; blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your glorious name

[Matt Redman]