May 5, 2005

The Demon

I'm never quite sure what to do when it hits. I've prayed, I've not prayed, I've been angry, I've slept on it, I've been angry some more, and I've given in. Every time. There's this demon in my life that keeps rearing its ugly head, and I don't know how to stop it. Have you ever had one of those? The ones that you'd give anything to get rid of, anything to be free from, but no matter how hard you try (or don't try), they remain, like a splinter in your foot.

I'm tired of running, of fighting, of failing. And I know that in our weakness, the spirit intercedes for us, but you know what? I keep hearing silence! And it just goes to show that no matter how true you know something to be, know matter how much head knowledge of something you have, you may not just quite KNOW it yet.

Tears never quite help either. I feel like I've reached some sort of realization with God, some kind of truce from the assault (from the other side), some kind of peace - and yet it only ends up being just that, a pause, before the guns start all over again, pounding at my soul's very walls.

And of course I know what it is - it's how God builds character. The whole "silver refiner" bit, how you have to go through the fire before you turn into pure silver. I don't think I'll ever get pure - I can't take the heat.


Maybe it's just been a bad day, maybe it's just been a bad week, but whatever the cause, I'm feeling very low right now, lower than the usual (albeit occasional) lows, and feel ... lost. Broken. Empty.

It'd be a really great time for God to pop His head in and say hi.

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