June 15, 2005


Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all of the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me
[David Crowder]

I wonder sometimes about the outcome
Of a still verdictless life
Am I livin' it right?
[John Mayer]

Two songs that have been high on my listening list as of late. It's been a few very trying weeks, and I'm not quite sure why. In some ways, its the uncertainty of the problem (meaning I have no idea what in the world is bothing me) that is so hard.

It makes for a very tense lifestyle ... I go to work slightly depressed, and I come home moreso, to be compounded by the fact that I just did about an hour of dishes (in addition to my other duties) and find that I have more to do at home. And life spirals farther downhill.

Why do we - I - as people get fixated so strongly on our emotions? I know that lots of guys tend to be very emotionless, but who are we kidding, right? We just bury them deep, hoping nobody will notice how sensitive we can really be, and eventually it will all come out in whatever form we tend to favor.

For me, it's moping. And I'll admit it, occasionally I cry. Like a girl.

Please stop laughing at me.

I feel terribly sorry for my wife right now, because I know she's been entirely puzzled by my mood for the past three weeks. And so I begin a new journey forward, struggling with the brokenness which I unwittingly prayed for and now find myself desperately recanting. How could I have been so dumb? I felt so secure in my relationships with God and family and friends, and then I went and ruined it by wanting something deeper.

Trust me, if you ever find yourself praying or singing about brokenness, please know - it's going to be hard, and that goes for everybody - because brokenness leads to wisdom, and that's a request that God always grants.

1 comment:

Laura said...

I think big changes (such as graduating, moving, preparing to become a missionary) tend to get you to a place where God can reach you. You reach the end of yourself when you start wondering "how's everything going to unfold" "how will I know what to do?" and there is God, welcoming your broken sorry and sore body/soul. Ready to give you comfort and as you said...wisdom, but mostly, his Love. It's worth it :-) Don't you think?