January 30, 2005

The Cosmic Misunderstanding

I just had the weirdest conversation. My friend (a girl) asked me about guys and why it is that they - guys - think that if a girl is even remotely attractive, the girl has led him on. Usually this involves talking between the two, but not necessarily.

I didn't know how to respond to that at first. But then it hit me - guys are simple. No really, we are. I mean, on some level we're way more complicated, but fundamental operations for guys are pretty easy - we look at the stuff we think is nice (women, guitars, and things with engines).

Now, when it comes to our interactions with women, there's this large - universal - idea that guys are arrogant. It's not that. Well, it is that, but not to the guys. What every girl calls arrogance is really a sort of cosmic misunderstanding on a hormonal level - guys think with their balls a lot, but this causes them to think that they're thinking with their heart or, God forbid, their head. Now, when they're genuinely thinking with their head or heart, they're pretty nice people. Some guys do this more than others.

The thing is, Christian guys are the worst culprits. Christian guys think that, "hey, we've got Jesus, we're saved, we can't possibly think with our balls because that would be un-Christian. Jesus didn't, why would He let us?" And so when a rather attractive girl comes along and talks to them, they begin to think "hey, she likes me, I want her, I must be in love." They think the girl is hitting on them, when maybe (usually) the girl just wants to talk. They get their "emotions" (hormones) involved and and then the girl discovers that they're no different from other guys. And so they feel led on, and the poor girl thinks she's done something terrible by talking to them.

So the answer is this - girls, I am so terribly sorry, but you'll just have to be patient. If a guy thinks he's been led on but you really didn't, don't think much of it, just ignore it and move on. I mean, if you are leading on guys, stop it, we've got it hard enough trying to really think with our heads (it's like being in the matrix, how can you really tell if you're thinking with your head or if your balls are telling you you're thinking with your head?).

But if you're just trying to be friends - just understand that we tend to think with other organs more than with our brains. I try not to anymore (outside of my marriage, where it's ok occasionally), but I'm married - I have an object of affection, and she's wonderful. But I used to, and I abused it. So take it from me - just be patient. The right guy will come along, and sooner or later you'll notice that he thinks with his head and maybe his heart more than other things. And all will be well, and there will be much rejoicing ...


C.P. said...

I wonder which is worse, being the recipient of unwanted advances and being falsely accused of "leading on", or talking to someone--like, say, me--who tends to be generally talkative to anyone who wants to talk, but is totally clueless about all but the most obtuse comings-on.

Then again, some ladies seem to find insults and disparaging remarks in every comment that might come across as the slightest bit untoward, flippant, or simply poorly thought out. The end result is that the person making a comment, having no intention of harming the emotions or self-image of the recipient, is hurt by the insinuation that they'd want to make a hurtful remark.

Perhaps this is the female analog of the male belief that everything on two legs wants him: everything on two legs has a secret hurtful agenda.

Anya said...

great analysis...never thought about it that way, especially the christian boys thing. i don't know if it's just the fact that you're older than me, but most males i encounter don't "think" with their balls. as in, they don't have any ulterior motives to talking with a girl. perhaps they're the wave of "SNAGs" i have heard about (sensitive new age guys). lol. and talk with us purely for the enjoyment of our company. but now that i put it that way...that does sound a little suspicious. maybe its some big scam; pretending there is no scam! oh well. its all way over my head...